Friday Five: Ranking the best player names in all of college football

Here’s a peek behind the Friday Five curtain for you. For this week’s edition, my original idea was to come up with the five scariest names on college football rosters. With Halloween coming up next week, it seemed like a timely idea.

But there was a problem.

While poring over the rosters of college football teams, looking for names that would work in the post, I couldn’t find any names that I believed worked. So, like a quarterback who doesn’t like what he sees at the line of scrimmage after scanning the defense, I called an audible.

While going through all these rosters I didn’t find many names that were Halloween-ish, but I did find plenty that made me giggle. So instead of doing scary names this week, I’m just doing the top five names that made me laugh.

These are the best names in college football.

5. Bayle Wolf, LB, Army: All right, this is a great name, and I’m guessing at least one of Bayle’s parents is an English professor at a small liberal arts college in Ohio. In fact, since his bio says Mr. Wolf is from Wilmington, Ohio, I would bet it’s Wilmington College. The reason I’m keeping Bayle at No. 5, however, is that I hated Beowulf.

If you’re like me, you had to read it in high school. Now, I love reading. I’ve enjoyed it my entire life, but even so, in high school, I was annoyed by the amount of reading I had to do. When I’m reading for leisure, give me all of the books, just don’t tell me what books I have to read, and then have the audacity to test me on them.

Particularly when it’s a 250-odd page poem, man. I don’t care if it’s about some dude killing monsters with his bare hands, or slaying a dragon, 16-year old Tom was not interested in reading a poem that long.

4. Mac Hippenhammer, WR, Penn State: Mac Hippenhammer was a three-star recruit in Penn State’s 2017 class. He is a freshman, and he is yet to see the field with the Nittany Lions, but let me tell you that I cannot wait until Mac Hippenhammer is catching passes in a game one day because his name is Mac Hippenhammer.

The only problem I have with this nearly perfect name is that Mac Hippenhammer is not a linebacker, because “Mac Hippenhammer: Linebacker” just seems like destiny. Still, even if he’s not at the ideal position, Mac Hippenhammer remains a superb name.

3. Brodarious Hamm, OL, Auburn: Brodarious Hamm has done two amazing things in his life already. First, he was named Brodarious Hamm. Maybe he didn’t have anything to do with the decision, but I can’t help but believe that Brodarious Hamm isn’t a name you’re given, but one you’re born with. Like, Mom gets her first glimpse at you, and she’s like “oh that’s a Brodarious Hamm all right” just because there’s a certain glow about you.

The second thing Brodarious has done is kicked cancer’s ass. Hamm was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma after signing with Auburn in 2016, and after taking the year off from football to beat it, he’s back with the team this season.

Also, you should know that every time I read the name Brodarious Hamm, the voice in my head does so in a surfer dude voice. Like, I can see a movie scene where the college girl brings her surfer boyfriend home for Christmas dinner to introduce him to the family, and he’s at the dinner table like “That’s a brodarious ham you got there, Mrs. Patterson.”

Is he talking about dinner, or something else? We don’t know! What a character that guy is!

2. Squally Canada, RB, BYU: Yeah, as soon as I decided this week’s topic would be my favorite names, I knew my boy Squally Canada would be on the list. I initially had him pegged for the top slot, but another name came along that we’ll get to shortly.

As for Squally, I don’t know what it is, but this name just tickles me to death. I have never heard the name and not felt a warmth inside. While Squally is the star of the show in this name, I don’t think we can overlook Canada as a last name.

I mean, Squally is excellent, but if his name were Squally Jones, it doesn’t work as well. There’s just something about the combination of Squally Canada that works.

1. Lion King, DL, Eastern Michigan: So you see why I had to bump Squally to No. 2, right? There’s just no way in the world I could put any name ahead of Lion King. I would like to take Lion and his family out to dinner for giving him this name.

He could have been Dave King, or Joseph King, or Terrence King, or even Squally King, and he’s just have been any other person. But he is Lion King. He shares a name with one of the best Disney movies of all time, and not only is it great, but it’s powerful.

He’s the damn king of lions. He’s not Meerkat King or Lemur King. He’s Lion King, and he has the best name in college football. He is Name King.

Honorable Mention: Lloyd Cushenberry III, OL, LSU; Bubba Flood, DB, Southern Miss; Lil’Jordan Humphrey, WR, Texas; Shawn Shamburger, DB, Tennessee; Quaide Weimerskirch, RB, Georgia Tech; honestly there were like 30 others I wanted to include here

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